What Your Lola (Grandma) Never Told You About Setting Healthy Limits
Let me guess. Your Lola probably told you a thousand things growing up:
“Always be kind.”
“Family first.”
“Give, and never count the cost.”
Sound familiar? Mine too.
Growing up in a Filipino household, those words echoed through my childhood like a daily prayer. My Lola believed kindness meant never saying "no." Generosity meant giving until you had nothing left to give. Family meant setting aside your own needs to ensure everyone else was comfortable.
And don't get me wrong—there’s beauty in those teachings. It shaped us into compassionate, resilient people who genuinely care.
But here’s the catch:
Lola never mentioned what happens when you constantly put others first. She never talked about burnout, resentment, or the exhausting sense that you're living life for everyone except yourself.
She didn't mention that healthy love needs boundaries. Maybe because no one ever told her, either.
The Secret Truth Your Lola Kept
Here’s the truth Lola never shared (probably because she didn't know):
Setting limits isn't selfish—it’s essential.
Think of boundaries like the gates around your garden. They're not there to shut people out, but to protect the beauty inside. Without a gate, people walk freely, trampling flowers without even meaning to. Before long, your once-vibrant garden is a muddy mess.
That's your heart, your energy, your happiness—your inner garden. And it deserves a fence.
Boundaries Don't Mean You Love Less
Many of us worry that saying no, even gently, means disappointing the people we care about. Saying no feels like betraying our upbringing, as though we're turning our backs on the values Lola taught us.
But here’s the beautiful irony:
Boundaries actually allow us to love deeper and better.
When you're clear about what you can—and can't—offer, you show up authentically. Your "yes" becomes sincere, your presence genuine. You're no longer quietly resenting your tita for calling at midnight, your cousin for borrowing money again, or your boss for piling on extra shifts.
Boundaries aren't walls; they're bridges. They connect you to others in a healthy, honest, sustainable way.
How to Set Boundaries Without Breaking Hearts (Including Your Own)
I’ll admit, setting boundaries isn't always comfortable. It feels like going against every instinct we have. But here are three things I’ve learned that make it easier:
1. Say No with Love (and a Smile)
You don't have to sound like an angry teenager slamming the door in someone’s face. Instead, gently say, “I’d love to help, but I can’t this time.” No elaborate excuses. No over-explaining. Just honest kindness.
2. Stop Apologizing for Protecting Your Energy
I used to say “sorry” after every “no.” It felt natural—like breathing. Now I remind myself I don't need to apologize for having limits. It's perfectly fine to say, “Thanks for understanding,” instead of “I'm sorry.” Your time and well-being aren't an inconvenience.
3. Remember Your Worth
Sometimes, setting a boundary feels like disappointing someone you love deeply. Remind yourself you’re not rejecting the person—you're protecting the relationship. By avoiding resentment and burnout, you ensure your love stays real, honest, and strong.
The Garden You Deserve
Here's what I've realized, after years of people-pleasing and exhaustion:
You deserve a garden that's thriving, full of flowers you've carefully nurtured—not trampled by obligations and unrealistic expectations. And setting boundaries is exactly how you nurture it.
Maybe Lola never shared this secret because no one ever told her. But now you know—and maybe, just maybe, you’ll be the one to share this new wisdom with the next generation.
Because loving yourself, saying no gently but firmly, and choosing your boundaries wisely—these things aren't just okay.
They’re revolutionary.
And somewhere, Lola is smiling—proud you're finally taking care of the beautiful garden she always hoped you'd grow.
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