The Biggest Lie We Tell Ourselves About Confidence (and What It Really Looks Like for AAPI Women)
We've been sold a lie about confidence.
You know the one. Confidence means being the loudest voice in the room. It means always speaking up, taking up space, commanding attention. It means being extroverted, outspoken, the center of everything.
And if you're an AAPI woman who doesn't naturally show up that way, you've probably felt like something's wrong with you.
Here's the truth: confidence doesn't require you to be loud. It doesn't ask you to perform extroversion or pretend to be someone you're not. Real confidence honors who you actually are—and it's time to rewrite what confidence means for you.
The Lie: Confidence Means Being Loud and Always Visible
Everywhere you look, you see the same narrative.
The "confident" people get celebrated. They're the ones dominating meetings, posting daily on social media, speaking at conferences, always visible. They're extroverted, they're bold, they take up space without apology.
This narrative doesn't just celebrate one type of confidence. It dismisses every other kind.
It tells you that thoughtful contributions don't matter as much as loud ones. That being strategic and intentional is somehow less valuable than being constantly visible. That if you're not performing confidence the "right" way, you're not confident at all.
And here's what happens when you try to live up to that standard: you exhaust yourself.
You show up in ways that don't feel like you. You force yourself to be more outspoken, more visible, more "on" than feels natural. You compare yourself to colleagues who seem to get ahead simply by being louder.
This definition of confidence sets AAPI women up to feel inadequate. Because it's not just about personality—it collides directly with how many of us were raised.
What Confidence Actually Looks Like for AAPI Women
Let me tell you what confidence really is.
Confidence is showing up authentically, not performing extroversion. It's being yourself in a world that's constantly asking you to be someone else.
Quiet authority is real authority. You don't need to dominate the room to be respected. You don't need to be the loudest to be heard. Some of the most confident people I know are the ones who speak less but say more.
Thoughtful contributions carry weight. You don't need constant visibility to make an impact. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is show up consistently, contribute meaningfully, and let your work speak for itself.
Trust is built through genuine connection, not performance. People don't trust you because you're loud. They trust you because you're authentic, reliable, and present. Because you show up as yourself, again and again.
"Quiet" is not a weakness—it's strategic. Being thoughtful isn't the same as being timid. Taking your time to process isn't the same as lacking confidence. Your quiet, intentional approach is a strength, not something to fix.
Confidence doesn't look the same on everyone. And it doesn't have to look like the version you've been sold.
Why AAPI Women Believe This Lie
You didn't just wake up one day believing confidence had to be loud.
You were taught to be modest. To be humble. To not take up too much space. To prioritize the collective over the individual. These aren't bad values—they're part of your cultural foundation.
But then you step into Western business culture, and suddenly those values collide with a completely different set of expectations.
You're supposed to self-promote. To speak up. To be assertive. To "lean in." And when you don't naturally show up that way, you're told you lack confidence.
So you start comparing yourself to the louder colleagues, the extroverted entrepreneurs who seem to get ahead faster. You wonder if you're doing something wrong. If you're not cut out for this.
You experience what I call the invisibility trap. You have the expertise. You do the work. But you feel overlooked, underestimated, dismissed. Not because you lack confidence, but because your confidence doesn't look like what people expect.
And imposter syndrome? It gets amplified. Not just by your own self-doubt, but by cultural and gender expectations stacked on top of each other. You're navigating multiple layers of "not enough"—not extroverted enough, not assertive enough, not American enough, not visible enough.
No wonder you believed the lie. You were set up to.
How to Embody Authentic Confidence
Here's how you step into confidence on your own terms.
Stop measuring yourself against extroverted standards. You're not falling short—the measuring stick is wrong. Confidence isn't about volume. It's about alignment. When you show up as yourself, that's confidence.
Identify your natural strengths and lean into them. Not against them. If you're a thoughtful processor, lean into that. If you build trust through one-on-one conversations, do more of that. If you're a strong writer, let your words carry your voice. Work with your nature, not against it.
Practice visibility in ways that feel aligned. You don't have to be on stage to be visible. Writing can be visibility. Small gatherings can be visibility. One-on-one conversations that lead to referrals can be visibility. Find the channels that feel like you, and show up there consistently.
Build a community that values your authentic presence. Surround yourself with people who get it. Who don't expect you to perform extroversion. Who celebrates your quiet authority. Who see your thoughtful contributions as strengths, not weaknesses.
Give yourself permission to succeed on your own terms. You don't need to do it the way everyone else does. You don't need to follow the loud, visible, always-on path. You can build success in a way that honors who you are. That's not just possible—it's powerful.
Celebrate the wins that come from being yourself. Every time you show up authentically and it works? That's evidence. That's proof that your version of confidence is valid. Collect those wins. They'll remind you that you don't need to be loud to be powerful.
You Don't Need to Be Loud to Be Confident
Confidence isn't one-size-fits-all.
It doesn't require you to be loud, extroverted, or constantly visible. It doesn't ask you to perform a version of yourself that doesn't feel true.
Real confidence is showing up as yourself—your quiet strength, your thoughtful approach, your genuine presence.
That's what the world needs. Not a louder version of you. Just you.
Start showing up as yourself. Your quiet strength is more powerful than you think.
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